Like every well-versed Sunday schooler, I learned about Moses and the fickle faith of God’s chosen people. Even after miracle after miracle, they still did not trust in God. Consequently, they wandered for forty years in the wilderness. A story I thought I faithfully comprehended, until I foolishly followed in their footsteps.
As a child I felt deeply connected to God. As a teenager I felt deeply disconnected from God. My faith fractured when I realized I was gay prior to my twelfth birthday in 1978. Even after miracle after miracle in my life, I was crushed and confused. This was not a choice I made nor a category I wanted assigned to me. Subsequently I slowly began to no longer trust in God or in the people God had put in my life; people who have always loved me.
I would spend the remainder of my teenage and college years, struggling with my secret sexuality. A struggle that spawned only dishonesty, discontent and duplicity. A struggle that eventually lead me far away from God and further away from any church. A struggle that every Prodigal son or daughter knows only too well.
Like the ancient Israelites, it would take me forty years before I found my way home, or at least my home in this here and now. At fifty-five, I humbled my repentant heart and embraced the Peace that passes all understanding. Four years later, I would publish my memoir of faith and along the way write well over a hundred stories about my faith and the culture I live in.
Shortly before Pentecost Sunday, when the Holy Spirit descended on the Apostles and other followers of Jesus, that same sanctified Spirit would descend on me. The event that marked the beginning of the Church, would mark the beginning of my return to church. Joining the family of God and the body of Christ by participating and publicly confessing that Jesus Christ is Lord; my Lord and our Lord.
Believing that God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name. Believing that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth. Believing every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Once more joining with two or more who are gathered in His name, the Son of Man. Jesus the Christ.
When I look back on my young life I’m moved by the mountains of miracles, and the gracious gifts of love God gave me as I began my earthly journey. My unwed teenage birth mother making the difficult decision of putting me up for adoption. My unwed teenage birth mother killed in an auto accident at sixteen, four months after I was born.
Anxiously adopted and eternally embraced by two strangers who made the choice to call me their son; their child, because love is thicker than blood. A circle of love that eagerly expanded; cuddled and cared for by grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. A circle of love that enlarged enormously; counseled and cheered on by church members, scout leaders and terrific teachers.
God provided me a plethora of people in my life who nourished and nurtured me, but I loved my reputation and my regard for rank more, particularly as a teenager. Fear would begin to take root in my heart and slowly smother and suffocate my seeds of faith. A fear that eventually sprouted into self-importance, selfishness and a solely scientific sense of the world. My faith became about gaining the whole world even if it meant losing my soul.
But, by the grace of God (literally), God never gave up on this child; His child. God will never give up on anyone; unless we ultimately give up on God. Every human is created to be called a child of God.
My return to a community of the faithful after forty years, ends my journey of wandering alone in the wilderness. A journey in which I’ve come to realize I was never really alone. A journey that happened because I did not trust in what God wanted for my life, but what I wanted in this life.
Whatever sunny smiles or somber sadness lies ahead, I’m blessed once again to be part of a Jesus community of faith filled followers. Thanks be to God. And the congregation says, Amen.
Peace. God loves you.
If you want to learn more about my spiritual awakening, you can read or listen to Finding God in Vegas: A Gen X Spiritual Awakening; available on Amazon and all platforms in print, electronic or audio.