A Faith of Fear vs A Life of Love
I was blessed to be raised by parents who sincerely believe in God, and who surely believe in the unconditional love of God. A Christian home rooted in the ethic of love God and ALL your neighbors. The commandment in which the law, the prophets and the entire ministry of Jesus is summarized.
Even though I thought I believed deeply in this law of love, I didn’t. At least not deeply enough when applied to myself. Not deeply enough when my actions and thoughts were about something other than love of neighbor.
In the fall of 1978, I began the rite of passage that every human in every period and every place has taken, initiation from childhood to adulthood; puberty. And with that charge my sexual switch flipped itself on. The innocence of childhood was soon replaced with the responsibilities of adulthood.
As children we’re taught about life’s responsibilities, but we don’t really begin to own them until we become teenagers. As teenagers, if we don’t responsibly own our responsibilities, they can adversely impact us as adults. Loss of future opportunities because of impulsive decisions, a life of incarceration because of the company we keep, or irreversible actions because of poor judgement. Teenage failings that can burden our adult life and potentially our entire life.
I was fortunate as a child (and as a teenager) to have a multitude of exceptional role models who helped me learn responsibility. My family, my church, my school and scouts. Even with everyone that surrounded me, I still didn’t learn to own my relational responsibilities with God even it appeared otherwise to the world. Like Donald, deception begins with the letter D.
Without choice, without consideration and without my consent, I realized at twelve that I’m gay. Sexually awake and spiritually alarmed, I put limitations on God’s love because of my sexual orientation as did the adults in my life. Regardless of what label they used to describe their faith.
Like so many aspects and instances in our lives, deception has many features and multiple faces. While mine to own, I was not the only person deceived by false understandings and fabricated underpinnings about God’s unconditional love for all people. Now understanding there are no exceptions and limitations on God’s love. God is love.
As I began to own my adult responsibilities and my relationship with God, I didn’t understand God’s message of love. This lack of comprehension would have disastrous consequences for my young life as a teenager and my entire adult life until my mid-fifties. Like a spiritual zombie my heart was dead as I sleepwalked my way through life.
Instead of taking responsibility for my relationship with God and truly believing in God’s love, I believed in something else. The diminishment of God. The depletion of God’s love.
As a teenager, I wasn’t ready to take full responsibility for my faith. Choosing a path of deceit, lies, and mistruths in order to protect my sexual secret. Safeguarding my reputation while squandering my relationship with God and everyone in my life.
As a young adult, I decided to make the “responsible” choice, choosing reputation, status, and social acceptance. All things of this world. Worshipping false idols that aren’t about God and have nothing to do with Love. I turned from God; God never turned from me.
Preserving my worldly reputation and recognition as an “outstanding young man; a Christian role model.” Unsure if those who professed their love for me would love me. Uncertain if the God who pronounced His love for all people would love me. Undeniably choosing a faith of fear as opposed to a life of trust in God’s love.
Like everything we value in our lives, family and friends, community and career, faith is also a responsibility. It’s something that takes energy and effort and while it should bring us comfort, it should also make us uncomfortable at times. We’ve all fallen short and will continue to do so at least in this life.
A recurring and repetitive Biblical theme. Adam to Abraham; Job to John; Peter to Paul. Men and women; young and old. People of faith have always struggle to accept and trust in God’s unconditional and gracious love for them. I have, I still do, and I will again.
Spiritually awake, I’m aware and have taken responsibility to nurture and nourish my faith daily. Honoring my obligation to only trust in God and live a life that honors God. A life of righteous responsibility and right relations by loving God and all people, including myself.