Doubt and Faith and Doubt

No, the title is not a typo. Its a deliberate statement describing my faith. Particularly during this time in my life as I continue to nurture my recent spiritual stirring. Reestablishing Love as my life’s foundation instead of lies.

Choosing to pursue my passion to write as opposed to choosing my past life in pharmaceutical marketing. A passionless career in which I felt nothing but was highly compensated. Aiding and abetting America’s legalized drug cartel.

Writing because this is meaningful, and a Love centered life is all about meaningfulness.  Meaningfulness is something I haven’t felt in a long time. Trusting that writing would also allow me to earn enough money to cover our daily bread. Milled grains no longer labeled a premium name brand. Having freed myself of the need to impress, instead focusing on value.

Five years ago, I never would have believed I would be in this somewhat scary situation at 57. But faith is the certainty of hope because the world is predictably uncertain. Like when you might lose the stuff you’ve spent your entire life accumulating. Stuff you’ll leave behind when you leave this world. Stuff that’s hard for me to let go of because I have pride of possessions.  

Once again questioning my faith because I still want to hold onto “my stuff.” Things that maybe I need to let go off. Stuff I’m trying to protect while still believing that Love is at the center of my life. Living a Love centered life isn’t easy, that’s for sure.  

For the last two years, I’ve been using my life’s savings (earned by time away from my family) to write my memoir. Then working with a consultant to create documentation to corroborate its appeal and ability to make money. Believing there is a literary agent out there, who will realize its commercial value and who shares my vision to create more love in the world. Love being all that really matters even when I believed it’s fame or fortune. Comfort and convenience.     

While I deeply believe that God will provide, living my faith has been unsettling. One Biblical character after another can attest to this conflict of doubt and faith. One non-Biblical character after another can testify to this conflict of doubt and faith. I can affirm my own doubt and faith as I live it in real-time, without Bill Maher.

Living in a state of peaceful anxiety. A paradoxical but honest testament. Knowing God will deliver, but wanting the details now so I can better plan.

But, I have hope. God has always provided, even when my bank account consisted of coins as opposed to dollars. Like the booty of a treasure chest discovered under the sofa’s cushions. A little something with a lot of nothing.

Trying to deepen my faith every day. Love centered words, actions and thoughts. Turning my faith into a lot of something, while realizing the little things in my life are nothing.

Believing that God will sustain even if my writing aspirations remain without representation. A touch terrified but trusting that God is the something and the everything and God will never leave us with nothing.