In the fall of 2019, we noticed Mozzer’s health was declining. Prior to this, he had been a very healthy cat. Vet appointments consisted of routine vaccines, routine dental care, and no prescriptions. We knew he had been born with a heart murmur and that as a breed the Sphynx’s lifespan is considerably shorter than their feline counterparts. I was able to compartmentalize these facts because I had had pets before, and while their passings had made me sad, I had never experienced real grief.
Over time, as my love for Mozzer had grown, I had allowed myself to naively believe he would pass only when he attained the highest age possible according to his expected lifespan. I never believed he would pass earlier, as do most cats of his breed. Like so many other lessons in love that Mozzer taught me, he had one more—maybe the most important lesson of all, one that cut me to my very core.
The first sign something was wrong was when he started having trouble keeping food down, leading to vomiting followed by fatigue and disorientation. His daily routine became challenging, laborious, and painful. He struggled to stand for the first time since his mama set him upright as a kitten.
He required medications. His vet visits becoming more frequent. News of his physical health more disheartening with every visit. He was suffering but trying to survive for as
long as he could because he loved us.
January 14, 2020. Another vet visit. This time he was put into an oxygen chamber; he was experiencing shortness of breath. At the end of the day the vet reported he had improved, so I picked him up. Within a couple hours, he was worse than ever. He had lost all control of his bodily functions, and it was clear he was suffering terribly.
I took him to the emergency animal hospital, minutes away from us. The vet immediately put him into an oxygen chamber. Mozzer’s little lungs were filling with his own bodily fluids—he was literally drowning to death.
Without hesitation, it was time we released him from his anguish. He deserved one last act of love to find the peace he rightly deserved. Under the radiance of fluorescent lights, the vet administered the euthanasia solution as I stayed by his side, gently stroking his little suede body. I whispered how much I loved him, and thanked him for all the love he had given us and others. My face flooded in a river of bittersweet tears. A stream of grief-induced snot dripped from my nose; my heart unmoored in a sea of unfathomable sorrow.
He passed very quickly, probably in less than seven seconds. I stood there alone with his little cat body for what seemed like forty years, not wanting to leave. Eventually I realized I could no longer see him breathe or feel his warmth. He had returned to God, the source of all life and love. My heart—not my ego—was shell-shocked.
I leaned over to give him one last kiss. My head down, my eyes red, my nose congested, I exited the exam room, then the lobby, opening the same door that would be the last one Mozzer and I would pass through together in this world. Getting into our car, I cried and cried and cried. Finally, I found enough lucidity to drive home. It is without question the saddest day of my entire life. God wept and I wailed.
I’m crying as I write this, recalling how much joy and love he brought into my life and the lives of others. Mozzer was a uniquely unforgettable creature. I will grieve for him until I take my last breath. I will miss him until I am called Home. I will join him over the rainbow.
For anyone who has had to end their pet’s suffering, my heart breaks for you. I cannot even imagine the suffering encountered in losing a spouse, a parent, a best friend, or the terrible tragedy of losing a child. I do believe a person can die of a broken heart.
Mozzer was my one consistent joy in my otherwise consistently unhappy adult life. My heart’s walls were ruined, smashed into a million pieces. Who would have thought a little cat’s love could destroy Evil’s wicked walls? God did.
Peace. God loves you.
This story is an excerpt from Finding God in Vegas: A Gen X Spiritual Awakening, available on Amazon and across all platforms in print or electronic.