Regrets, Grace And Reflection

Having lived 57 saucy years, I’ve experienced enough trips around the sun that time is a frenemy. Like rainy days and Monday’s, it can get me down. Especially if I spend too many hours wandering among dusty memories of remorse or drifting into rooms of regret. Has-beens that never were, but still are.

The longer I live, the more past I have to reflect on. Becoming more susceptible to these cerebral road trips across the decades. Spiritually awake, I can’t stop myself from asking why.

Understanding once more that asking why will never bring me bliss, that’s the choice of ignorance. A choice I made for too long. A choice of catastrophic consequences.   

Not asking why, I became enslaved to someone else’s experience and understanding of life. Experiences and understanding that may not have been about doing unto others like I would want done to me. Freedom, autonomy and asking why might seem like heavy responsibilities or difficult burdens; they are. But the alternative is worse, far worse. I do know something about history even if I’ve forgotten all the French I took.

Having taken inventory of my years on this planet, there’s plenty of remorse and regret to recall. Some of these choices I now understand. Having the context of time and the wisdom of self-reflection. Insights that have change my life and the life’s of other people for the better.

Other past decisions relegated to mysteries I’ll never understand. Like why certain people came into my life? Why did I do some of the things I did? Why do I still do some of the things I do?     

Now believing and accepting my life has been filled with experiences and situations that are deeply connected with the Infinite. Even if my finiteness unable to comprehend life’s mystery. Mysteries?     

Reflection is a blessing. A roadmap to help lead you on the path to Wisdom. Like all paradoxes that bind our lives, it can also detour you.

Finding myself trapped in the quicksand of regret. Becoming stuck on what could have been, what did happen and wondering why did it happen? Questions that entice and trap me in my past. Preventing me from living in the now.

I’m learning to find the balance between reflection and asking why, without getting stuck. An approach that always leads me back to God. Understanding it’s OK to let go of a past I cannot change. A past filled with missteps and mistakes.

Receiving God’s generous gift of grace liberates me from my broken past and my future brokenness. Embracing God’s unconditional love allows me the compassion I need to heal. A Love that unburdens my now. A Love that heals my life and a Love that saved my life.

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